my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
