dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
