I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
