I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
