Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
