I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
