If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
