I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
