Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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