never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
