Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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