All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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