I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
