You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
