Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
