There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
