I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
