be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
