I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
