OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
