new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
