how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
