The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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