Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
