i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
