At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
