I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
