You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
