New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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