is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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