Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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