that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
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