Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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