Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
