woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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