i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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