Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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