This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
