I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
high people should be assigned attendants
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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