there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
