Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
nutella sex= disaster
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
