tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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