i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
