A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
