I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
soo... how was my night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
