i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
