I faked an abortion last night.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
