Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
