I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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