Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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