Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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