I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
