Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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