if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
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