The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
